Enough from me... I'm posting this now because I'm going on a dinner-and-a-movie date tomorrow night (cliche, much? Whatever, it was my idea) and I don't know if I'll get time to do it then.
The guy I'm seeing asked me to go round to his place tonight. Fortunately the last train had already left so I couldn't get there. I hate that I'm only a week into even knowing this bloke and already I'm trying to fix it so that we can't see each other - what is wrong with me?
Perhaps it's because he doesn't look like this:
or even this:
or EVEN this:
Say what you want about his ears, his clean-shaven, innocent persona or the fact that he looks about 17 - there is something about Russell Tovey that is undeniably gorgeous. I've yet to find a person, male or female, who can tell me WHY they like him - the fact is he is absolutely adorable. And you know it. Give in to it, seriously.
Oh - did I mention that he is probably the only person to be featured on this blog who actually IS gay?
Yeah.
Back to what I was saying before I got distracted by the handsome specimens you see before you... I do this EVERY TIME. Whenever someone likes me I instantly try and find a way to sabotage it for myself. And the crazy part is, I am totally and utterly fed up to the back teeth of being single!
What can I say? I'm a perfectionist even in matters of this nature. I want what I want and I'm going to get it.
I guess the real reason for my reluctance in the face of this absolutely gorgeous individual that I'm meeting tomorrow night is simply this: We both perform the same function. Sexually. I mean it's like bringing two magnets together and trying to get them to connect without forcing them screaming through airspace. We are both, essentially, takers. Receivers. Bottoms. However you want to colour getting fucked. And I no longer know what to do about that. I know sex isn't everything but it is an important factor in a functioning relationship. But I suppose we'll see what happens, right? I mean it's early days yet, we've only known each other a week (you may, in fact, be wondering why I'm even thinking about this so soon) and there is every chance one of us will have totally gone off the other by the end of the week but I don't want to take the risk of committing to a loveless relationship which I will regret. This is what's known as becoming my mother.
It wouldn't be entirely LOVELESS I don't suppose, it's just that... I don't know. This is so so hard to explain, to put into words anyone reading this (even me) can understand. I don't wish sex to become a perfunctory act, a requirement of rather than an enjoyment of my relationship.
This is becoming too self-involved, too weird. I'm building this up too much in my head (and of course, my self-hatred when it comes to my body isn't helping - I'm almost positive he'll take one look and run screaming into the night) but he did say to me the other day that he wasn't a massive fan of body hair and well, you know... I have some. I am pretty hairy I guess. But I never envisaged that that could break a relationship.
Perhaps I'll have to find another way to break this off - if I even want to. At times I feel like I'm just going through the motions because I'm sick of sleeping alone in a double bed. Part of me feels that I'd rather do that than sleep in one WITH someone if I don't love them or am not attracted to them. In fact, its not even that I'm not attracted to him, I'm just... There's something there, some palpable thing between us, but I just don't know if its enough.
I guess the question is whether or not I've got the balls to find out. And if its not enough, can I handle being alone again?
The answer's probably no.
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